Responding to the Abuser

The violence must stop!  Be very clear that the violent behaviour is not acceptable and must stop.  This is the first priority.

Do not accept rationalizations or blame of the victim.  Even if one is under extreme pressure at work or even if one is having an affair, violence is not acceptable.

Do not take his word that the violence has stopped.  Rather, check with the abused partner.  Often it may be necessary for a couple to separate until the violence has stopped.

Hold the abuser accountable.  Promises to change are part of the cycle of violence.  Unless they are accompanied by concrete actions such as going to a treatment group, they are meaningless.  In order to change he must accept responsibility for the violence.  Then, if he is serious about changing, he will seek out the help he needs to do it.

Do not allow a public confession and request for forgiveness until he has completed treatment.  In the honeymoon stage, abusers often seek “a quick fix” and may request your support. 

Offer him hope that he can change.  Group treatment designed especially for men who batter seems to be the most effective.

Call local community resources to find Assaultive Men's group phone numbers.

Do not urge marital therapy until it is clear that the violence has stopped.  Only then can they work on the problems of the relationship. To ask them to do so prematurely may actually serve to endanger the victim even further.