Helpful Response to the Abused

Assess the danger.

If she is phoning, ask if she is at home now. Is her partner there? Can he hear? Are the children there? Are there weapons in the house? Does he have one? Be sure that a safe place is available for her, whether in a home or a women’s shelter; let her know how to contact such a place in your community.

If this is an emergency, call 911 or the operator and ask for the police.

Call 1-800-563-0808 8:30 - 7:30am - 8:30pm, Monday to Friday to find out the transition houses and shelters in your area.

Does she need medical treatment?
Does she need help getting to the hospital? 

LISTEN. Give her time. Don't rush her. She has been controlled and manipulated in many ways. Allow her to be in charge of this time. It may the first time in a long time that she is able to talk freely and therefore it may not be easy for her; there may be many long pauses. She may need time to organize what she is wanting to tell you. Don't panic or offer solutions.

Beware of blaming the victim. The abuse is not her fault. Because she has been told for years that it is, she will need to hear many times that it was not. Listen carefully to her story and respond to her feelings. Avoid comments like "I’ll have to talk to him; there are always two sides to every story" etc. In almost 100% of the cases she will understate the severity, frequency and length of the abuse.

Reassure her that she has not failed as a wife. She does not cause the abuse. No one deserves to be hit. Be sure to communicate this repeatedly. Conflict is normal. Hitting or verbal abuse is not. Be deliberate in validating her and her story and the many ways in which she has tried to solve these problems. Be sure to communicate REPEATEDLY that the abuse is not her fault.

Recognize that abuse escalates. If she stays in the situation and her husband does not acknowledge his abusiveness and actively seek help, the abuse will happen again and it will get worse; so discuss her options with her.

Avoid giving advice. She probably loves her husband and it is quite possible that when he is not abusive he can be very loving to her. He may have greatly damaged her self-esteem and her confidence in her ability to take care of herself and her children. Don’t reinforce her low self-esteem by taking over and making decisions for her. It’s her problem. While you listen to her, she will sort out what she needs and wants. If she asks you for specific advice, point out that you are a pastor and not a counsellor, but help her to think through her options.

Help her make a safety plan.  Respect her strength. Assist her in her planning, but don't take charge. She is capable of that herself and needs to be supported in that process, not run over. Her opinions may come forth as questions, her plans as tentative ideas, give her room to solidify them. This may be the only safe way she has for now to process things.

Crisis lines, Children's Help Line and transition houses in your community are listed on the inside front cover of the TELUS (BC Tel) phone book.

Call 1-800-563-0808 8:30 am - 7:30 pm Monday - Friday to get helpful information on the victim services closest to you, such as:

Crisis Line
Transition House
Therapists
Domestic Violence Sexual Abuse Support Groups

Encourage her to use any local resources available to victims of abuse in order for her to get as much information as possible about her options. Local programs may include a support group of women who have been or are in similar situations. Sharing experiences with others can be very helpful in putting her own situation  in perspective. There may also be therapy resources available to her as she works to rebuild her own life. Financial assistance for counselling may be needed.

Support temporary separation if she is in danger and that is what she chooses. Do not ever put pressure on her to go back to her situation. Separating may be the safest plan for the woman and her children. It is often the only thing that encourages the abuser to seek treatment. But it does put her at risk. Do not push her to leave or criticize her for not having done so.

Suggest that her husband needs treatment.  He needs to take responsibility for and change his behaviour. Abuse is a crime; it may in the long run be most helpful for him to be held accountable for his behaviour.

Maintain ongoing contact, regardless of her decision. You are her pastor and an important source of support.

Adapted with permision from Abuse Bulletin #2. Voices for Non-Violence and MCC Canada Women's Concerns Committee.